The Marth Monologues
by Sezan
Summary: Updated chapter III: Roy and Marth get delivered to the real world, passing time. They don't get along...tremendously well. Not your average story [As there is no MarthRoy anywhere] Should cause some vague amusement, at least I hope so.
1. Chapter the firste: It begins

Hello there everyone. This as you may or may not know is my second fic. I was previously writing under the name of 'The knight who says Ni' so if you want to read my other story which is considerably longer, then as it's not up on my new profile yet you'll have to go on my old name. Anyhow, new name, new story. I had a lot of fun writing it and I hope you enjoy reading it, if of course you can be bothered and are not just flicking randomly through stories. Well, if you are, I don't really care.

Legal rubbish: This story belongs to me. However, nothing else really does it seems. Shame really... if everything did the world would be a much more interesting place.

Dedication: This chapter . . . at least is dedicated to JestaAriadne who got me started on fanfiction. Lets count it as a very belated birthday present. Go read her fanfics. But not until you've read this one of course .

Prologue:

An old man sat in the centre of a vast library with a small glass of wine on the table next to him. His sad pale blue hair almost grey now wafted slightly, batted by the breeze. His armour, now too big for his ancient form fitted round him like a coffin. An ancient long sword hung by his side. His fingers twitched nervously, always wanting to grasp something which was not quite there. He smiled sadly.

"Hello there," he said. "I gather you would like a story. Well, I have found a good one just for you. It's quite long and it's one of my more interesting adventures, so are you settled comfortably? Then I shall begin"

He opened the book with shaking fingers and cleared his parchment-like throat. Then he began:

The Marth Monologues

"Um . . . Hello there, my name is Marth, you may have heard of me . . . I starred in one of the fire emblem games. Of course you wouldn't have played that as it was in Japanese . . ." said Marth in the games shop, attempting to purchase a GBA.

"I don't suppose since I have made you some income from my games . . . well not _you _necessarily because you probably weren't around when I was actually in games . . . you would care to reduce the price of this small gaming machine by 10 Alterian gold pieces?" he said. hopefully.

The shopkeeper raised an eyebrow.

"Hehe . . . " said Marth, doing the clichéd anime big grin.

25 seconds later, he was lying on the street. The shopkeeper had shown surprising speed for a man so fat.

His cape billowed annoyingly in the wind. Marth opened his eyes in order to remove the offending object and found himself staring at the cigarette strewn ground. A globule of chewing gum, carelessly discarded, lay disturbingly close to his nose. He sighed and rolled over, being careful to keep his blue hair away from the floor lest it fall on the chewing gum. As he rolled over, a sight worse than the foul street met his eyes.

"Yo!" said Roy, leaning directly over him and grinning goonishly, his eyes closed exposing his grin even further.

"ROY!" said Marth, scrambling backwards like a confused spider and consequently knocked his head on the wall. Roy followed him, still grinning with disturbing joviality. "What the hell are you doing here?" screamed Marth, clutching at his head.

Heads turned. It was surprising that they had not before as the sight of a blue haired young man wearing a large cloak with a sword on his waist and another cloaked weirdo grinning like a maniac is not the most usual to see in town, however it was a Sunday and people were busy with their shopping and could only be aroused from their stupor by a loud noise or possibly a murder occurring right in front of their eyes, if the visibility was good.

This unusual loud noise also made people notice the costumes and just the sheer unusuality of the two characters. This had the effect of several people fleeing in fear, some laughing, several saying 'Oooh lookit them funny people' or similar comment and a group of schoolgirls shouting:

"OMFG! BISHY! BISHY! BISHY! LOL! ROFL! YO CNDY CN U C THE BISHYS!"

and somehow accomplishing this extraordinary linguistic phrase with a degree of success. The other people merely shrugged and strolled away with the expression of people who see this sort of thing every day.

Several minutes later Roy had dragged Marth into an alley which for the sake of storytelling convenience was just there and, now that he had regained his breath, was once again grinning like a wolf in a sheep pen.

"How the devil did you get out?" said the terrified Marth.

"Long story," said Roy, somehow still grinning while he spoke.

"But-but-but-but…..we aren't supposed to be in the same world; I only met you at the social evenings…" said Marth. His mind floated back to the horrible visions of the 'Fire Emblem Social Evenings' which were intended to be 'a fun time for all the family with an opportunity to sample a taste of the various Fire Emblem kingdoms' (most of which involved alcohol (in increasing percentages of proof as the night wore on)), however generally they ended up in a fight which could be more accurately described as a small scale war. Also, there was always one person who felt the need to remove their clothes and dance naked on a table. 90 of the time this was a man and twice it had been Roy. Marth had remained notoriously sober during these evenings and therefore had the opportunity of watching the whole spectacle in graphic detail, generally from beneath a table and/or tablecloth.

"Yeh, I know," said Roy with considerably happier memories of the social evenings, most of which for the same reasons as Marth. "But it looks like I got out as well" he continued grinning like a murderer in an old folks home.

"You mean . . . !" said Marth, the '!' being pronounced as the noise made when all the air breathed in in one breath is swallowed at once.

"Yesss!" said Roy, his grin expanding until it seemed it would expand out of the sides of his cheeks.

"But HOW?" said Marth, staring wide eyed at the vast grin, possibly wondering if it could get any bigger, possibly if there was any way to escape from the alley and possibly which was the best leave-in conditioning shampoo.

"Well . . . It wasn't exactly the normal method," said Roy , his grin shrinking slightly but still resembling that of a tiger which has just seen a gazelle which is too fat to move.

"You didn't do anything illegal did you?" said Marth with the feeing that although this was not exactly above Roy, he would only do so accidentally or not knowing why.

'Heavens no!" said Roy, a man who considered a sword a fashion accessory and that attempting to chop people in half was 'merely something to do to pass the time'.

"Well, how the hell did you-" said Marth, suddenly cut off by the sound of footsteps and the rapidly approaching cries of:

"BISHY, BISHY, BISHY, WHRE R U? COM OUT BISHY! WE THINX U IS SOOOOO FIT etc."

"-tell me later," said Marth nervously. "We can hide out in my apartment!"

"What's an ap-" began Roy -

"NEVER MIND!" said Marth, unintentionally giving away their position, "Just come on!" Marth pleaded, desperately attempting to drag Roy away by his cape as the girls rounded the corner.

"BISHY!" they cried just as Roy, dragged by Marth, disappeared up the fire escape.

Marth and Roy arrived breathlessly back at the apartment. Well, at least Marth was out of breath; Roy however was not, as being dragged around is not very tiring. However, because Marth had been doing the dragging, he was breathing heavily enough to be two people. He collapsed on a chair and gestured to Roy to do the same.

"Who were they, Marth?" asked Roy, whose grin was rapidly returning.

"Nothing like what I've ever encountered, " admitted Marth "But I believe they are called 'Fan girls'. He removed the sound from his mouth as though it was a rotten grape.

"What's so bad about these 'Fan girls' then?" said Roy, without the dislike with which Marth had said it; his grin was now much wider, resembling that of a Acuphiliac on a bed full of nails.

"Um . . . " said Marth, correctly reasoning that Roy would not understand many of his reasons for avoiding them. His mind worked overtime to come up with a reason which Roy could comprehend. "Because . . . " he intoned as Roy watched him intently as if he was attempting to understand the whole concept of 'thinking' so that he could possibly try it later . . . if he could be bothered.

After around 5 seconds Marth had worked out a reason which, although not entirely true, Roy would believe and, what was more important, would make him wary of the 'fan girls' also.

"Because they eat your brains," said Marth with as much seriousness as he could manage.

Roy blinked.

"O.o" was what he basically said, though in not so many words.

Marth, for the first time in a long while, grinned, admittedly at his own cleverness but at least he managed a smile.

There was silence for a while.

"Want some tea?" said Marth. He instantly realised his mistake but it was too late.

"What's tea, Marth?" said Roy, understandably really.

"It's a drink they have here," said Marth, rising. Although he had not managed to get a hang of the whole fashion sense of this world had grasped the concept of hot drinks with relative ease.

"Actually, I could do with a drink . . . " said Roy, not that it really made much difference for Marth was already at the kettle pouring himself a cup. He was, however, careful not to put any sugar in Roy's cup. However, he failed to remember . . .

"Here you go Roy," said Marth with as much warmth as he could summon.

"WOW! Thank you Marth!" said Roy excitably at the prospect of trying a new drink; who knew, it might contain alcohol. He then attempted to swallow it all in one go before letting out a small yelp of pain.

"Yes Roy . . .it is hot. I thought you might have noticed from the steam coming off."

Well, knowing Roy, he would probably have not noticed this factor if he had written it in letters a foot high on the mug.

"Yeph . . ." said Roy and attempted to fan his tongue with a free hand.

"Thank the gods he didn't try to fan it with the hand with the tea in it," thought Marth to himself.

Now he was sure that the tea was reasonably cool, Roy hazarded another sip. This time he was not burned and decided that, although as of yet there was no drunk feeling settling over him, the 'tea' was really quite nice. He gulped some more down . . . yes it really was quite nice.

Marth then realised what he had failed to remember beforehand. Tea contained caffeine. Marth knew about the certain properties about caffeine from a personal experience one night in a Starbucks when he had drunk 7 espressos. Before this he had not known about the caffeine. _After_ he certainly didn't. About 9 hours later, when he had reached a relative stage of calm when he could actually control his movements, he realised his error. And now the constantly hyper Roy was drinking added hyperness in liquid form. Marth thought about 'dashing the cup from his hand' in a dramatic fashion, but it was too late. Roy had drained the last dregs and was now, as was his habit, licking round the inside of the cup. He stopped suddenly and looked around wide eyed.

"Wow!" he said, grinning extra wide, "Do you see the pretty colours too, Marth?"

"Well," thought Marth later, "at least I didn't give him coffee."

No one really had anything to say. Well, Marth had plenty to say but he was going to keep quiet for the moment. Roy seemed to be interested at the carpet as he was staring at it obsessively.

Minutes passed

A tumbleweed rolled by the two sitters. Their eyes followed it.

"Oh look . . . a tumbleweed," said Roy, breaking the silence of the room.

"Yes indeed," said Marth, desperately trying to keep the conversation going.

"Mmm . . . " said Roy, his gaze once again returning to the carpet.

Marth coughed loudly. This was the delicate part which he had attempted to avoid, but he knew it had to come at some time. He must approach this delicately.

"Roy," said Marth "How exactly did you get out?" Marth had never been much good at subtlety.

The awe inspiring grin once again returned to Roy's face.

"Well, as I told you before it's quite a long story," said Roy with the air of one who did not like saying things more than a few sentences long. His brain needed time to breathe, and somewhat deeply after the few sentences.

"Well tell it anyway," said Marth, now quite irritated.

Roy sighed then began:

"It's like this, Marth. You remember the last time we met? Let me see, that would be 6 months ago at the Fire Emblem Social Evening No. 66, you remember?" Marth shuddered visibly. Roy grinned seeing his expression. "Yes, I see you do remember it . . . we had a good time then didn't we, eh?" Marth desperately wanted to shake his head but he nodded glumly. "Anyway, after that I didn't see you anymore, not even at the next Social Evening so I knew something was wrong"

" . . . " said Marth guiltily looking away. He had in fact planned to skip the next Social Evening, however certain things - such as travelling to a different world - had happened. Meanwhile Roy was still talking,

"So I made some enquiries, it seemed no one had seen you in a very long time. Eventually I decided to go to Altea to find out what had happened to you."

Marth looked at the floor. The thought of Roy turning up in his peaceful little kingdom and spreading inanity and violence all around as others would do with bread and butter . . . Roy was not deliberately dangerous, as has been explained before. He was a kind of accidental danger. For example: "No lad, that's not how to light a pipe, you need to do it like this . . . oops! Ah well, the grass is on fire but no worries, that forest over there will stop the flames!" Accidental dangers are generally far more dangerous that intentional ones. As well as being much harder to deal with. The thought of Roy arriving in Altea made him feel weak in the knees. Meanwhile Roy was droning on, his eyes screwed up with the concentration on remembrance.

"I hiked over the hills for around a month and a half before I reached your place," continued Roy, causing another wince from Marth "When I got there I made some cunning enquiries."

Marth thought: "Yes, and your ideas of making enquiries Roy, generally involve shaking people and shouting 'WHERE IS MARTH EH?'", but he said nothing.

Roy had taken this opportunity to take a break. He stopped to try and remember what happened next and possibly to let his brain cool down. If brains were computers, Roy's would have been one with an extremely slow fan and not even worthy of a Pentium of any sort. After he had recuperated he continued:

"No one seemed to know, apart from the fact you had gone away in search of some excitement. Then I talked to your wife-"

"SHH!" said Marth angrily. "We can't let the fan girls know I'm married lest they seek revenge! And although they are bad enough when they don't know they would be worse if they knew I was married."

"Why?" said Roy in all seriousness "What could be worse than having your brains eaten?" It took Marth a few seconds to work out what exactly Roy was saying.

"Um . . ." he said "eat your spleen as well . . ." he added feebly.

Roy almost fainted.

"MY SPLEEN!" he yelled, "BUT IT'S SO IMPORTANT!"

"Actually," said Marth intelligently "The spleen isn't very important at all; it really just sits there, releasing stuff."

"But it sounds so cool . . ." said Roy sulkily.

"Moving swiftly onwards," said Marth "what happened then?"

"Well," continued Roy "As I was saying I spoke to your wi-"

"Shh!" said Marth "Remember the spleen thing; let's just call her 'the person to whom I share a bond'."

"Okay, okay, I spoke to 'the person to whom you share a bond', anyhow she told me that you had gone away for a while. So I asked 'the person to whom you share a bond' what you had gone to do. 'The person to whom you share a bond' replied that you had gone off to seek for some excitement. 'The person to whom you share a bond' then added that you had said something about finding some new work. I asked 'The person to whom you share a bond' what you were planning to do and 'The person to whom you sh-'"

"What?" said Marth irritably

"Can I just call her TPTWYSAB?" asked Roy, somehow accomplishing this extraordinary linguistic feat with surprising ease. "It's just that 'The person to whom you share a bond' is so very long and boring to say. "

"I suppose so," said Marth boredly. "Or you could just say 'her' once in a while you know"

"OK whatever," said Roy. "Anyway I asked her where you had gone, and she told me that you told her you were going to the job centre in the end zone."

It should probably be explained at this point that the 'end zone' is a point at which all universes converge. Although the end zone is only one place it has links to every single universe imaginable and unimaginable. Thus it can be said that once at the end zone you can go anywhere so long as you are prepared to exit at a specific point and travel the rest of the way at your own rate. Every planet has a single end zone and there are also a few lying about in empty space. These space ones are called black holes. The end zone itself resembles a small gap in the space time continuum from the outside however like a small worn down airport from the inside. This phenomenon of why the airport was never improved has forever remained a mystery as no one can be bothered to solve it. Because from the outside it is in fact a hole in the Space and more importantly the Time continuum, time does not in fact pass inside the end zone so there is no need for excessively overpriced airport food because you can never get hungry there. There are several other names for end zone pathways on various worlds. Such names include: Wormholes, Warp gates, Plot holes, and on the far off planet of Grandiesinos VII a 'Squesdessle" however because no one there has access to the internet, there shall be no future references to the planet.

"Thank you narrator," said Roy, happy that he did not have to say all this

"Go on," sighed Marth who had never liked the narrator very much anyway. "Damn right!" he continued "What happened then?"

"Well," said Roy, who did like the narrator "Erm . . ." said Roy, Who DID like the narrator. "Right ho, anyway . . . so I decided to go to the end zone myself"

"Really," said Marth with all the warmth of an ice cube, "and what, pray, did you find there?"

"Well . . . it was like a really bad airport," continued Roy "There wasn't even any food there and I was hungry." Marth sighed at this idiocy as _he_ was intelligent enough to know about the space/time rules.

"So you asked about me?" said Marth irritatedly. "How nice of you to be so caring."

"Yes," said Roy happily "Anyway I asked at the desk and they remembered you-"

"How odd" said Marth sarcastically "I wouldn't have thought they would have remembered a _blue haired prince_."

"Actually all they remembered was the tiara," said Roy. Marth growled and, seeing his expression, Roy nervously continued. "Anyway they told me that you had come to this world and that you were planning to feature in some new game coming out."

"That's right . . . " said Marth, fearing what was coming.

"Well anyway I went to the representative of this game in the end zone and he told me that there were no more places in the game. The last one had just been filled by some hedgehog or something."

"Ah, good!" said Marth, brightening up

"However . . . " said Roy

"Oh no . . ." sighed Marth. Roy ignored him

"I caught up with him just as he was about to travel through the worm hole, I felt quite sorry for him because someone had dyed him blue I think . . . and err . . .unpleasantness followed," he said nervously; this was the part he was dreading.

"Go on . . ." said Marth curiously

"Well . . . I tried to stop him and asked if I could have the job. He stared at my hair and shouted something about "Red hair, eh? Well, you do look different Dr. something or other . . .but you can't fool me!" and err . . . then, then he leapt at me.

Roy, despite his low intelligence, was a good fighter; he had trained at the finest dojos all around the Fire Emblem world.

"I'm afraid reflex took over and I - my sword cut - . . .well . . . lets just say it was a bit messy and now Mr. Hedgehog won't be getting up again. "

"I . . . see . . . " said Marth, thinking about disembowelled hedgehogs.

"Anyway," said Roy uncomfortably, "I went back to the game representative and told him that the hedgehog had been taken ill and could I take his place. Eventually he agreed. So I set off through the wormhole."

"Oh yes," said Marth who seemed to be trying to escape down the back of his chair, "how did you find it?"

"Swirly," said Roy with the air of a philosopher.

There was a long pause

"Yessss….." said Marth, breaking the silence because Roy was staring at him "So that's how you got here. How exactly did you manage to find me anyway?"

"Deus ex-" said Roy

"Umm Roy, that's _not_ exactly what Deus Ex Machina is, you know." Said Marth, happy to prove his intellect.

"Um . . . no," said Roy "Deus ex was the name of the tour guide and as I was going to say he showed me where you might have gone."

"I see," said Marth, internally vowing revenge on this Deus ex for telling Roy where he was.

"And you know the rest," said Roy. "I never did find out which game we're going to be in anyway." Marth shuddered at the word 'we'.

"Well it's called-" began Marth but then there was a loud hammering at the door. Both Marth and Roy leapt up from their chairs and span round to face the door. It was too loud to just be a mere knock, someone was trying to get in. Both men looked at each other awkwardly. The door caved inwards suddenly. Both swordsmen stared at the broken timber in horror as a voice called out in loud tones:

"BISHY!"

END OF PART ONE

Hmm and there you go. A cliff-hanger for the end of the first part. I will definitely continue this tale and I hope you enjoyed the first part. If you did then the small purple review box is right there so please use it. I would much appreciate some comments or plot ideas, whatever you want to say really. Flames will be used to cook soup so I can finally eat. If you are looking for something to do while you wait I advise you watch 'The Nightmare Before Christmas' as it really is rather good. Anyhow I shall hopefully see you again for part two of this epic ahem tale of 'The Marth Monologues!'

Until then…

Sezan.


	2. Chapter the seconde: The escape

SUMMARY: Marth's humourous (I hope) adventures in the real world while he awaits the arival of SSBM. Roy also features heavily. However! This is not a MarthRoy fic by any means. Heck, they don't even know each other very well. Hope you all enjoy.

Hello again all, thanks for all the positive feedback, I appreciate it. Now as you will doubtless remember if you have read the previous chapter, (and if you haven't then go and do that now) we exited on an exciting cliff-hanger which means doom and destruction for our swordsmen. Will thy escape? Why is Marth always irritated? What would Roy like for lunch? All these and similar questions will be answered in this part of the story (yes I did write this afterwards) so if you want to know the story or not, read and review if you would. I'll give you candy? Or not. Maybe a muffin then?

Horrible legal stuff: I own nothing, nothing I tells ya. Except possibly the thoughts in my head and my various online accounts for stuff. I wonder if I still own the story's idea… or if they're now owned by fanfiction. It makes no matter.

Dedication: Hmm, one must have a dedication to keep everyone happy (or at least the person to whom it is dedicated) so I have decided to dedicate this chapter to… Yuki Takashi for beating themselves up for me on a desk. That's always appreciated, even if you didn't come up with ideas for me. (Warning: People who hurt themselves for me (Oo;) will not always be given a dedication. You'll bruise/cut/gash/disembowel/maim yourself for no reason.)

Random fact: The previous chapter was exactly 4000 words long according to Microsoft word. This was unintentional and rather odd. I'll have to think of something vaguely interesting about this chapter for next time now…damn.

Still, I've delayed long enough (I have an obsession with ranting it seems). For those of you who have poor memories, (yes, I know, this chapter took its time) I've left a little bit of the previous chapter in so you can all remember what was going on. So on with the tale:

The door caved inwards suddenly. Both swordsmen stared at the broken timber in horror as a voice called out in loud tones:

"BISHY!"

9 bear-like figures stood framed in the doorway. Marth was horrified to see that some of them were male. With a wild cry of 'GAH!' he leapt into Roy's arms. Roy, by some extraordinary reactions, managed to catch him.

"OMG! HOW KUTE!" said the disturbingly growing crowd in the doorway.

"What the-?" said Marth, not quite understanding what they were implying. Suddenly realisation dawned "It's NOT like that!" he wailed, desperately attempting to escape from Roy's grip. However, rigor mortis seemed to have set in on Roy and he stood stiffly with his mouth open eyes focused on the door.

Marth realised that Roy was not going to let go.

He realised now was time for desperate measures. He attempted to reach his sword at his waist but this was a challenge due to the fact he could not move much of his upper body from Roy's grip.

He wriggled around attempting to reach it but stopped suddenly when he heard the sound of strained and ready-to-tear fabric from his trousers. Marth suddenly realised that if he moved any more his trousers might tear. Though the situation was dire it would not be improved by having torn trousers. He looked up at Roy to see if he might have woken up from his horror-induced coma, however the only difference he could make out from last time was that one of Roy's eyes seemed to be slowly expanding. He looked back at the advancing crowd in the doorway.

"Er… I don't suppose we can talk about this…?" he said hopefully

There was no response from the doorway save the vague sound of drooling. Marth noted that the T-shirts of some of the menacing people had such phrases as 'Otaku', 'Emo forever' and 'I (heart) Bishonen' on them. None of this he quite understood but made a mental note to avoid people who wore this sort of shirt. In fact anyone who wore that colour of pink he would avoid in future. He thought about shouting 'Here! Take Roy he loves his fans!' Could he really sacrifice his 'friend' to make good his own escape? Could he live with the guilt that he had abandoned Roy to his fate? Would not his suffering be worse if he abandoned Roy? Would he be able to take life anymore?

"Here! Take Ro-" he began to shout loudly but was abruptly cut of by a scream from Roy who seemed to have awoken from his catatonic state. He screamed:

"YOU WILL NOT TAKE MY SPLEEN THIS DAY, MINIONS OF DARKNESS."

"Oh gods…" said Marth.

"DIE SERVANTS OF SATAN," yelled Roy, a wild look in his eyes.

"Err…" said Marth.

"TAKE THIS!" Roy shouted, hurling Marth forcefully at the oncoming creatures whom he believed were out to get his spleen. He did however neglect to remember that the spleen was not all that important.

"Why did I tell him that thing about spleens?" thought Marth on his short trip through the air.

Unfortunately for Marth, Roy had never been very accurate with long ranged weaponry as he had demonstrated at the annual Fire Emblemal Tournament. Roy, despite the fact he was skilled with only several weapons, signed up for every event. With the bow all he managed to succeed in impaling was the children's bouncy castle, which had been several hundred feet behind him. This caused a slight disaster, but the deflated bouncy castle was the least of the Tourney Staff's worries when Roy attempted the cannon targeting event. It took a long time for grass ever to grow in that part of the world again.

Marth impounded heavily with the wall several feet away from the door.

"OOoooooh," said the crowd, including Roy for some reason.

Now that Marth was only a few feet away from the figures they circled menacingly around him. The hands reached forwards to grasp his hair or poke him, silence reigned. Marth knew he had to think fast. He desperately attempted to remember some of the other names on the game application list…

"OH LOOK OVER THERE!" he shouted. "IT'S… er… MARIO!"

"WHERE!" shouted Roy, spinning on the spot. No one else turned around but instead continued to advance towards Marth… he had to try harder…

"OH LOOK OVER THERE!" he tried. "IT'S LINK!"

"WHERE!" shouted Roy, rotating like an autogyro.

"Er…" said Marth, realising that fan girls were not the most intelligent of creatures, "That would be respected bishonen… er… Link… the Hero of Time™?"

"WHERE!" Roy almost certainly did not shout. But everyone else did. Roy merely stood there looking confused, most likely because he had managed to rotate his torso so that it faced the opposite direction from his feet.

"Over… there!" said Marth, pointing at the open doorway. The fan-things all ran through the door; Roy, now utterly confused, ran into the wall next to the door which, from his viewpoint was where Marth was pointing to. Marth winced at the crunch as Roy fell to the ground next to him.

"Pssst… Roy," he hissed. There was no reply

"Roy!" he whispered as loud as he dared as Roy spasmed randomly on the floor.

"What the hell are you doing Roy?" he hissed, as Roy seemed to be attempting to do some sort of waltz with the ground as his partner. Marth proceeded to kick Roy in the shin. Roy sat up.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" he screamed for an unapparent reason "NOT NOW… I DON'T HAVE THE MONEY!"

"What?" said Marth, but then realised that there were more important matters at hand. "Shut UP Roy," he whispered, "They'll hear us, follow me."

Roy's brain, confused at the best of times, now seemed to be working in some bizarre way, both sides functioning independently. His body crept stealthily after Marth but for some reason best known to himself his mouth continued to shout random and irrelevant phrases which gave their position completely away.

"THERE'S NO TIME LIKE THE PRESENT FOR ICE CREAM!" he yelled, body moving along the wall as stealthily as possible for a man who's head seemed to have a life of its own.

"Shhhhhh!" said Marth

"AND I SAY NO TO YOU VARLET!" roared Roy, his pupils expanding disturbingly.

"Oh gods…" said Marth, as the door was shattered by a blow from a high heeled shoe.

"THERE WAS NO LINKIE-BISH OUTSIDE!" screamed the mob from the door, almost drowning out Roy who was by now completely out of it and shouting remarks about children stealing from his apple trees.

Marth looked around desperately for some escape route. He spotted the open window and leapt over the sofa towards it. Roy, whose body seemed to think it was Solid Snake, edged cautiously over to the window, stopping briefly to sneak under a cardboard box with a convenient eye slit. The box then continued to edge over towards Marth while the mouth inside the box was completely ruining the point of being in the box in the first place.

"AND ANOTHER THING!" the box vibrated, "YOU TWO NEVER PAID ME FOR THEM IN THE FIRST PLACE"

Marth, ignoring the distraught cries from the box and the wails from the fan-things, was desperately attempting to open the window far enough to squeeze through. He eventually managed it and peered out and down to try and ascertain if jumping would prove fatal. Meanwhile Roy, or possibly the box, seemed to be singing.

Staring out, Marth spotted some conveniently positioned cardboard boxes down below; he wondered if there would be enough there to stop agony as his spine imploded on the pavement. It didn't look like it. There had to be another way out of the room which wasn't filled with fan creatures.

"JUST ONE CORNETTO! GIVE IT TO MEEEE, IF YOU REGR-" Roy sang (completely off key) before extremely suddenly coming to a complete halt.

Complete silence seemed to fill the room. Everyone stared at the box. It was not moving. Suddenly, very slowly it began to shake, almost unnoticeably at first but gradually rising to resemble a blender containing several frogs. The box didn't go red of course. Or did it…? Marth swore the box seemed to be changing colour to a strange fiery orange. The shaking increased to the level that the frogs had been changed into a rhinoceros. The box was by now bright red. Everyone watched it nervously.

It proceeded to explode.

Bits of flaming cardboard rained from the ceiling and there stood Roy, the colour of his face now almost the same as that of his hair. He seemed now to be in one mind. Unfortunately for everyone, it was the side that his head had taken before. He seemed for some reason now extremely angry.

"HOW DARE YOU?" he roared "HOW DARE YOU DARE TO TRY AND STEAL MY SPLEEN?"

"Why DID I tell him that?" said Marth, slapping his forehead and attempting to figure out the previously unresolved debate.

"MY SPLEEN IS MY OWN!" Roy continued to screech at the now positively shocked fan-girls, "I BELIEVE IT IS MY OWN, MINE, NOT YOURS, AND IF YOU THINK IT'S YOURS-" he cried, his hand edging towards his trusty sword, "THEN I CHALLENGE YOU TO A DUEL!" He drew the aforementioned weapon.

"Oh hells…" said Marth, having remembered why he had started the whole spleen thing. Roy was advancing menacingly towards the fan-girls. Now it was there turn to cower. Roy raised his mighty long sword…

…And was pulled backwards through the window by Marth who considered that if he was going to die, he might as well take the moronic Roy with him. He would have someone to laugh at from heaven. Unless of course Roy got in too, but then Roy had committed hedgehogcide... However, now he was technically going to be responsible for Roy's death… so that would mean they'd both end up in hell. Marth was beginning to regret his decision now. But living with Roy was a hell anyway, surely the real hell couldn't be much worse. In fact may-

Marth's train of thought was cut short by him impacting with the boxes below. They seemed more resilient than at first they had appeared. They slowed Marth's fall and as it happened he did not break his spine on the pavement. He lay amidst the boxes and thought:

"Well, at least it didn't hurt that mu-"

Roy landed on him.

"GAH!" cried Marth, being crushed by Roy. The fall didn't seem to have affected Roy in the least. He instantly leapt to his feet and shook his fist at the window high above.

"THINK YOU CAN RUN FROM ME EH?" he bawled upwards and ran towards the fire escape. He was just beginning to mount the first flight of steps when something blunt hit him across the back of the head.

"Hmm… that was vaguely pleasurable," said Marth, standing behind him with a wooden board in his hand.

A few minutes later, Marth was to be seen running through the streets of the city with the prostrate Roy over his shoulders.

"Still… on the plus side," he thought, "That blow to the head isn't likely to have done much damage, it's not as if he had anything valuable in there…"

Roy was stirring awkwardly on his shoulder; he seemed near to waking up.

"I hope he's in a saner frame of mind than before," Marth thought as he rounded the corner into an alley. "Although at least we're rid temporarily of those fan-girls. But on the minus side the police are probably after us now, and that's worse….much worse." He rounded the corner "Although…" he mused, "it is Roy they're really after… maybe if I just leave him here… then I'll kill two birds with one stone and then I'll be able to go my own way. Nothing to distract me… just Marth, Marth, Marth… Marth… Marth…"

"Marth," said a voice.

"Marth," said the voice from behind him again.

"Wha?" said Marth, turning round.

"Marth," said the voice behind him again.

"Oh…" said Marth, taking Roy off his shoulders. "I see you're up then"

"Yup," said Roy, the shadow of the old grin returning to his face.

"When did you wake up?" Marth asked, glancing around the alley.

"Wake up?" said Roy who was now back to the old innocent grin.

"Yeh, you know, when did you… wait…. you didn't wake up?"

"Nope," said Roy, his eyes now closed as he smiled at Marth.

"You mean you weren't even knocked out when I hit you over the head?" said Marth, irritated.

"Nope!" repeated Roy.

"Well why the hell did you make me carry you all this way?"

"My legs were tired."

"How could your legs be tired? You hardly used them."

"Oh you know… they just were, I figured you wouldn't mind," said Roy happily.

"Yes…" said Marth, sarcasm positively dripping from him, "I didn't mind one bit"

"Oh good," said Roy, to whom sarcasm was just another word he couldn't spell. "While you were carrying me I had some time to think."

"Miracles will never cease," said Marth dryly.

"And I came to a conclusion," continued Roy, completely ignoring Marth

"And what would that be?"

"Marth…" said Roy slowly, "Rhymes with Yarth."

"WHAT?" Marth practically screamed at Roy.

"Marth rhymes with Yarth."

"Yarth ISN'T EVEN A WORD!" said Marth, slapping his head.

"Oh…" said Roy happily, "My mistake."

"Anyway," said an irked Marth, glancing round again, "We need to find somewhere to stay."

"If only we hadn't fallen on those boxes… we could have lived in them."

"I don't live in boxes Roy…"

"Really? They're very comfy."

"Well… I am a prince and… wait… you lived in a box?"

"No."

"Then how would you…?" Marth asked, staring at Roy "Gar… never mind. Let's just get going."

Marth and Roy were next to be seen walking down an almost deserted street somewhere near the centre of the town. They had passed down the back alleys and had avoided detection. The police sirens had faded away and Roy decided it was now about time to declare:

"Marth," he said, "I am hungry."

Marth stared at him. "Well…" he said after a while. "What do you want me to do about it?"

"Maybe we could go and buy some food."

Again Marth stared. "You expect me… us… to go back into… plain view… where we can be seen by police, fan-girls and possibly more people like you?"

"What do you mean plain view?" Roy asked curiously

"Well, have you ever heard of surreptitious shopping?"

"No… and what do you mean people like me?"

Marth ignored him "You want us to go back into danger and peril, horror and doubtless more violence, evil and disturbing problems just to get you something to eat?"

"Yup… I'm in the mood for a muffin," Roy said happily.

"A… a… a… a… a…" Marth stuttered.

"Or possibly some cheesecake." Roy continued

"…Muffin?" Marth finished.

"Yup," replied Roy, "I'm just in the mood for one."

"Or… cheesecake?" said Marth, in a mixture of shock and disgust.

"Yup. I particularly like the type where the icing just curls up over the-"

But Roy's speech on the merit's of cheesecake was cut short by Marth saying: "I'm not going to get you to shut up until I feed you am I?"

"Nope," said Roy grinning like a bibliophiliac in an warehouse.

"Alright then… come on," Marth sighed. "But remember, we have to be careful… NOT THAT AGAIN THOUGH!" he shouted as Roy began to sink back into his Solid Snake pose.

"Oh…" said Roy, looking sadly at the floor

"Come on then," said Marth, flinging his cape out as he strode away.

"Will there be time for some bagels as well?" asked Roy following him

"NO!" said Marth, rounding the corner.

Another few corners later Marth and Roy ended up at a small café as far into the city centre as they dared venture. Roy stared up at the shiny steel walls which had attracted him in the first place.

"I-N-T-E-R-N-E-T Café," he spelled out. "Internet Café"

"What's an internet?" asked Marth confusedly

"Maybe it's a type of muffin!" said Roy, licking his lips.

"Or maybe not," concluded Marth

Marth peered through the darkened windows of the café while Roy studied the outside menu.

"Look Marth," he suddenly declared. "They serve muffins!"

"Alright then…" said Marth, who was now being tugged through the doorway by the ravenous Roy, "…we'll eat here."

They were shown to a round table by a waitress who stared at their unusual dress. They sat down and took note of the two strange machines in the centre of the table at which they were seated. They consisted of a box part with a large piece of what looked like glass in the centre. Then coming off the sides were two cords. One led to a rectangular board with lots of buttons on, each with a letter of the alphabet inscribed upon it. The other led to an oddly shaped semi-oval with two buttons on it. Neither of the swordsmen had seen anything like these odd contraptions before and were therefore naturally nervous. Roy poked the one nearer him.

"What does it do?" asked Roy.

"I have no idea," said Marth, admiring his reflection in the glass.

Roy continued to poke the glass with one hand. He eventually grew bored of this and moved onto the two objects which were attached to the main box. First he tried the board. He tried poking the button with 'R' for Roy on it repeatedly and then moved onto 'M' to see if it would give him a muffin. It didn't. Roy, now growing bored of this secondary device moved onto the final object. It had two buttons. Surely one of them must do something. He picked it up and viewed the underside to check if there were any more buttons underneath. Re read he label 'V11-Mouse"

"Gee…" he remarked to Marth who was studying the menu "Mice sure have changed"

Noting there were no buttons on the underside moved back to the top. He pressed the right hand button…nothing happened. Disappointed, he pressed the left one. The box gave off a low whine at which Roy pulled himself as far away from it as possible, as may be wise for one who seemed to have a tendency to making things explode. Then his face lit up as the screen lit up.

"Marth!" he said, poking his companion "Look!"

"Hmm?" said Marth boredly "Not now Roy, I'm reading the menu… you're the one who wanted a muffin"

Roy, all thoughts of muffins gone from his mind stared at the strange screen. It now had a moving picture of a coin being placed into a slot with an arrow pointing to the side of the window. Roy looked, there was a slot. He fished around in his pocket and drew out a bunch of miscellaneous coins. He took the one which most resembled the coin in the animation and inserted it into the slot. By some extraordinary coincidence the coin which Roy had inserted, one Alterian gold piece was exactly the same weight as a one pound coin which the machine required. 'Blip' said the machine, at which Roy cringed, and then it purred into action.

It came up with four boxes on the screen. One said 'internet', one 'e-mail', one 'Word' and one 'shut down'. Roy studied these boxes carefully. He misread 'e-mail' as 'evil' so avoided it. 'Word' didn't sound very exciting and Roy had never liked words anyway. 'Shut down' he disliked as he did not want to stop the wonderful machine now that he had got it going. 'Internet' seemed the only option. Besides, he was still curious to find out what one was.

He poked the screen at the box labelled 'internet' with his finger. Nothing happened. It looked like he had to use the strange devices again. Having the most faith in the device which had started the machine he picked it up and proceeded to tap the screen at the 'internet' button with it. Again nothing happened. This having done nothing Roy waved it up and down in the vain hope it would do something. Unsurprisingly it didn't. He placed it down on the table and drew back as he noticed a small arrow on the screen moving as he did so. He waited. Nothing happened to the arrow. He cautiously moved the 'mouse' across the table. The arrow moved with it. He grinned.

A while later Roy was getting used to the machine. Marth, however, was still reading the menu, undecided as to what to have, and had not noticed Roy's activities. Thanks to trial and error, Roy had worked out what the mouse buttons did, as well as the keyboard and was repeatedly typing 'Roy' in the address bar only to get continuous 404 errors. These Roy did not quite understand. However, he eventually spotted a button named 'Google'. This he misread as 'Gurgle'

"Can it make noises too?" he wondered to himself pressing the button with the arrow.

The Google window opened and Roy stared at it suspiciously. It was too uncolourful for his liking. In the hope of making more pictures appear on the screen he pressed 'Images' but could see no visible difference. He tried clicking the white bar thinking it might make something happen. The cursor appeared. Roy was now versed enough in computers to know that he could now type in the box. Maybe it was some sort of ordering bar. Maybe you typed in your order and it was given to you. He typed in 'Muffin', expecting one to come out of the computer. Sadly it didn't, but the screen lit up with pictures of muffins.

"WOW," said Roy out loud.

"Shh Roy," said Marth still studying the menu. "I'm trying to think."

Roy looked at the vast selection of muffins and wondered which one he would have. He eventually selected the most chocolate-filled one he could find and clicked it. He was disappointed when nothing happened except the image became larger.

A short while later, Roy had established that you could not actually get muffins or any other foods from the machine and was now attempting to think of other things to input into the search bar. The machine had thwarted his earlier attempts to get a picture of himself so he typed 'Roy' in the bar. Many pictures appeared, none of which looked remotely like him. He sighed and looked across at Marth to ask him what to search for, then reconsidered. Marth was a much more unusual name than Roy and there was sure to be a picture of him somewhere. He typed in Marth and pressed 'search'. Unfortunately for him, most likely due to his lack of computer skills, and vast amount of absent-mindedness, he had forgotten to erase the word 'Roy' from the box first so ended up with a search saying 'RoyMarth'. This he did not notice but browsed the results.

"There's one with some blue in it..." he thought. "That could be Marth." He looked closer; it also seemed to have some red in it. He couldn't quite make out what the image was of, it was too small. However, remembering his experience with the muffin pictures, he clicked once to enlarge the image.

Another while later, Marth had finally continued studying the menu.

"OK, Roy," he said, not looking up, "I think I'm going to have a cheese and ham sandwich. There are a few muffins here; there's a chocolate one, a blueberry one and something called and 'apple cinnamon' muffin, but I'm not exactly sure what one of those is. Which do you want?"

There was no reply.

"I said there's a chocolate one, a blueberry one or an apple cinnamon one," Marth repeated.

Again, there was no reply.

Marth looked up over the menu, fearing that his companion had left in search of a muffin. But Roy was still there, his eyes fixed on the screen.

"Roy?" said Marth curiously. He looked at Roy's face. It was twisted in horror and disgust. The best description of it would be 'OO;' as words could not really sum up the expression.

"Er… Roy?" said Marth weakly. "Anything the matter…?"

Roy didn't respond but remained frozen, his eyes transfixed to the screen. What had he been looking at? Marth moved round the table to get a better view of what Roy was looking at.

He stopped. A hideous view met his eyes.

There was a large picture, filling the screen. It was a artistic rendition of him embracing Roy and sharing a passionate kiss happily with him set on a background of flowers. The title read: _Swordsmen's Passion_.

Marth's expression now matched Roy's. i.e. OO;

Marth and Roy hurriedly left the café, having been saved from the horrific vision by the fact the machine had run out of money and shut down.

Neither of them said anything for a long while. Eventually, after about an hour of aimless wandering, Roy spoke up:

"Marth…" he said, "I-I'm sorry."

Marth turned to him. "It's OK, Roy; I know it wasn't your fault."

"Thanks Marth… I didn't mean to."

"I know," said Marth. "Still… at least we know what to be careful of…"

"Yeh…" said Roy

There was another long silence. Marth suddenly stopped in the middle of the street.

"Come on then Roy," he said, now smiling slightly. "We need to find us a new place to stay."

He strolled off round the corner quickly, his cloak blowing out behind him in the wind leaving Roy alone in the deserted street. Roy looked up slowly from the ground, his red hair wafting across his eyes.

"I never did get that muffin," he said, before quickly walking after Marth.

END OF PART TWO

Huzzah! That's another chapter done then. I know it could be seen as an ending point but it's not, there will be a part three, four etc. Now, I'm not one of those irritating people who says 'I will only continue if you review me' but that's not to say that I dislike reviews... Therefore I'd be happy if you (like Roy) learn how to use the mouse and click the small purpley button in the bottom left corner, and then type something. What is entirely up to you. Positiveness is always good, but I do like constructive criticism and of course plot ideas are always good as it saves me the trouble of having to think - horror - or fail to do so. Flames will be given to Roy, and he of course becomes dangerous when near fire. I hope you all enjoyed it even though there's a severe lack of cliffhanger in this one, still, there is some vague sexualness in this chapter for all you people who enjoy that kind of thing. Still, read and review and then go and do something else.

Until then…

Sezan


	3. Chapter the thirde: Of mice and men

Hello again various individuals with will strong enough to withstand my nonsense. Once again, sorry for the long time since the last update but I've been busy and because it's taken so long this is an uber length chapter 3000 words longer than originally intended, Instead of my usual opening rant I'm going to talk about a few questions which have been plaguing me while I was writing this. I'll save the rant for the end, be warned.

Firstly: Marth and Roy are Japanese, why would they speak perfectly fluent English? (fluent in the sense, as fluently as I can write the dialogue at 10p.m.-3a.m.)?

Answer: They are fully equipped with the latest translation devices which are small enough to be concealed in the mouth and ear. They translate language and then rebroadcast it into the ear for those of you who know the hitchhikers guide to the galaxy, think Babelfish. As for the mouth translator, it's exactly the same except backwards (tail end outwards for babelfishers). I realise this isn't a very good explanation but who except me frankly cares.

Secondly: Where exactly are they?

Answer: Although Japan would probably be the best place for the story to be set, having only been there once I'm not in a very good position to describe life. As a result the story is set in my home country of England. Although set in England I've attempted to avoid culturalisms, but one or two may slip in now and again such as 'pounds' instead of 'dollars', 'yen' etc. Although in truth it could be set almost anywhere.

Thirdly: Why are Marth and Roy so accustomed to some modern appliances put completely oblivious to others?

Answer: Ah - that's a tough one, and I made it so I'm revealing my own stupidity. The reason for this is because basically I'm an idiot and I forget things. However some of the situations are meant for comedy, ignore stupid things like that. Basically - a wizard did it.

Fourthly: Why am I asking myself questions to which I don't really know the answer?

Answer: Because I'm an idiot, it's late at night, I'm under the influence of J-rock and thus stupidity occurs.

Finally: Will anyone read this?

Answer: No.

Well, I'm sorry, even that went on for longer than I suspected it would. Everyone's probably stopped reading already except people who've staggered valiantly through the previous chapters and know my tendency to rant.

This chapter is dedicated to the Donkey sanctuary - as everyone who helped has already received a dedication.

Thanks to Jesta for proofreading (I hope /)

Thanks to for giving me the supermarket idea .

And now, without further ado.

-Chapter the third-

In which Roy discovers the malevolence of closing doors and Marth discovers a disguise.

It was several days later and Marth and Roy had managed to find a new establishment to stay in. They were sitting on the sofas and Marth was browsing through one of the newspapers while Roy whistled tunelessly and stared out of the window at the moon. Marth looked up from the newspaper at the cash jar which stood on top of the wardrobe.

"It's running out Roy." he said

"I know," replied Roy "I haven't eaten as much as I would have liked in the past two days"

"What?" said Marth staring at him

"The food….it's running out" said Roy, looking over his shoulder at the fridge "Yesterday, I only had 3 ice-creams! 3!" he shouted as if announcing a natural disaster "You know what that does to a man!"

"That makes two things then" said Marth dryly, ignoring his rantings. "Wait…" he said doing a hilarious double take, "What does that do to a man?" he queried, wondering how Roy's condition could possibly get worse.

"I….er….I" said Roy jerkily, Marth could almost see the gears turning in Roy's head "I felt incredibly ill and couldn't get up for a long time afterwards" concluded Roy in a blatantly false tone.

"Dear dear" said Marth in what he hoped was a caring voice, from his point of view he could see no downside of Roy being unable to get up for several hours. "I was under the impression you were asleep"

"At THAT time of day?" said Roy, in an attempt at false incredulity "What rubbish you spout Marth Hahahahahahahaha…." his false laugh trailed off

"Mmm…." said Marth in a slightly too sarcastic tone "One a.m. eh? Who in their right mind would sleep at that time?"

"My point e-exactly" said Roy incredulously, surely Marth had noticed his subtlety and lies? It should probably be pointed out at this juncture for those of you readers who have not read the first two chapters (lord knows why) that Roy's deductional skills, especially in the area of detecting sarcasm, are somewhat….sub par. Marth stared at him, unaware of his internal monologue, and the authors comment.

"I guess we'd better go buy some food of some description anyway" said Marth in the vein of someone who doesn't really care but just wants to help out an unfortunate friend, namely Roy, although Marth did not really consider him a friend, more of a punishment for being alive. The truth of the matter was that Marth had become hopelessly addicted to crisps (or chips for our American friends) and also Romantic comedy DVDs.

"Indeed we must" said Roy attempting dramatically, to imitate Marth's tone, the effect was somewhat spoiled however by the fact that he closed his eyes and had raised one hand to his brow in weary resignation. Marth looked at him askance.

"Do you have a headache?" queried Marth, to Roy who was now going red in the face from the drama of it all.

"NO." said Roy, managing to pronounce the full stop while remaining in the same position.

"If you say so" said Marth, returning to his newspaper while Roy turned a curious shade of blue. After a short while Roy realised Marth was not staring in awe at his dramatic pose and deflated.

"So…" he said, Marth looked up and immediately returned to his newspaper, the look of guile was somewhat disturbing on Roy's face. "Let's go to the supermarket then" continued Roy, who assumed Marth was paying attention.

"Roy…" said Marth, irritably thrusting his watch into Roy's face "The time Roy, is eleven thirty p.m."

"And?" said Roy, wondering if Marth was giving him the watch

"There are no decent supermarkets open at eleven thirty p.m. Roy, as you will have doubtless noticed."

"Er.." said Roy nervously

"As you have doubtless noticed" repeated Marth sternly snatching the watch away from Roy's grasping fingers.

"Of….of course" said Roy, wondering if Marth was attempting Jedi mind control (he having watched star wars a few nights ago, they both having discovered the marvels of television) "I'm not an idiot" he said.

"Good" said Marth, Roy stared up in the fervent hope that Marth was going to say 'the force is strong in this one' or a similar comment, however none came. Several minutes later, Roy stood up, having failed in making Marth's paper fly out of his hands using the power of his mind.

"Well then" he said yawning "I'll be off to bed, tomorrow I shall go shopping for ice cream with you Marth" he finished wearily before strolling unsteadily towards his bed.

"Goodnight then" said Marth not looking up from his newspaper "I'll turn in soon"

"Night then" said Roy, laying back on the pillow

'Damn' Marth thought, getting into the other bed a while later 'I need to go to the employment centre tomorrow, that'll mean Roy will have to go to the supermarket on his own. He'd just better behave himself' he thought pulling the covers over himself.

Roy snored loudly, breaking the silence.

Marth had returned from the employment centre only to find the supermarket on fire with a rather jovial looking Roy standing in front of the inferno.

"Heya Marth" he said bouncing up while Marth stared in horror at the flames "Look what I bought!" he said pulling out a trolley from behind him, Marth half dreadingly looked, it was full of Milk cartons.

"You spent all our money...on…on…..MILK?" he raged at Roy who smiled happily.

"Yup, 146 cartons of it" Said Roy, somehow missing the fact that Marth was restraining himself with difficulty from strangling Roy.

"WHY?" said a rabid Marth

"I like milk" said Roy happily, the picture of innocence. Marth needed something desperately to hit, he couldn't hit Roy as Roy was an idiot and irresponsible for his actions. He hit himself instead. As he lay on the floor he thought to himself 'could be worse…he could have just bought window cleaner or something, at least milk is edible…or drinkable at any rate' Roy's face loomed into view from above grinning madly like an extremely fat man having spotted a cake sale.

"GUESS WHAT MARTH!" he said ecstatically

"What?" groaned Marth pulling himself pulling himself up on one elbow

"I SOLD THE MILK" said Roy grinning madly

"WHAT!" Shouted Marth, causing several thousand birds nearby to vacate their nests in shock.

"I traded it ALL for this" smiled Roy as Marth looked on in horror "It's a magic bean, the man said there was only one in the world" Marth looked closer while restraining himself from killing Roy with his bare hands.

"THAT ROY" he screamed "IS NOT A MAGIC BEAN" Roy looked curiously at the 'bean' "THAT ROY" continued Marth savagely "IS A ROCK!"

"Oh…" said Roy staring at the rock in his hands "cool" he said throwing it up in the air. It landed on Marth. Who buried his head in his hands. Roy had begun singing. Several minutes passed and Marth, who was now driven to distraction with Roy's singing looked up angrily.

"Roy!" he snapped "Will you-" He looked in horror at Roy who seemed to have been replaced with a pile of bricks.

"Yes Marth?" said the pile which had now caught fire

"WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?" Shouted Marth sitting upright. He opened his eyes, it had been a nightmare. Just a nightmare, he told himself getting groggily out of bed. Roy was not in his bed. 'where can he be?' thought Marth to himself standing up.

At this moment Roy ran in with a bucket of water, he glanced at Marth with an expression of surprise then stared at the floor for a few seconds. He then nodded as if having decided something. He looked up.

"Roy I-" said Marth.

Roy hurled the bucket of water at him. Marth stood in the middle of the floor soaking wet with his hair flopping down in front of his eyes.

"Roy…." he said trembling slightly "What….was….that….for…" he said using all the power he could muster to stop himself from swearing or pushing Roy out of a nearby window.

"Oh" said Roy with a mixture of bemusement and innocence on his face "I thought you were having a nightmare"

A few minutes later Marth had dried off and his anger had cooled somewhat, possibly due to the cold water, proving it had at least been good for something. He now sat on one of the sofas rubbing his hair with a towel while Roy sat on a nearby chair twiddling his thumbs.

"Sorry about that" Roy said after the silence had got to a sufficiently large state of awkwardness.

"Bah" said Marth "It's alright….I did have a nightmare….you were just a little…" he left the sentence purposely unfinished. Unfortunately he had forgotten who he had been talking with. Roy stared at him curiously.

"little what?" asked Roy curiously. Marth sighed.

"-late" said Marth carefully, thinking of several other things he could have said.

"Oh…." said Roy who was thinking about ice cream. Marth sighed again.

"Anyway…" said Marth after a while "You'll have to go to the store without me, I- I have to go to the employment centre"

"Oh…" said Roy, thinking of what flavour would go best with vanilla "cool."

"O.k.?" said Marth in bewilderment "Are you sure?"

"Strawberry would go well." said Roy, nodding in response, his eyes now closed.

Marth's expression could be best shown as: 'oO;' he shook his head, It couldn't go wrong like in his dream, bricks didn't burn that easily…did they? With such misgivings in his mind he slipped quietly out of the door and walked slowly down the stairs to the ground floor.

Roy sat for several minutes considering the best flavour combination, unnoticing of Marth's absence.

"Pistachio" he said at length and stood up. He looked around for his blue haired companion "Ma-arth!" he shouted in an attempt to locate him. There was no reply. After several more attempts at finding Marth, including searching the fridge and dustbins he gave up. 'Maybe he left for the store already' thought Roy, leaping towards the door.

He strolled down the street receiving several odd looks at his bizarre appearance. Eventually he reached the supermarket. Walking like a zombie, staring at the posters of food on the windows he strolled towards it. He eventually reached the door. He stared at the door. It had no handles. He thought in a way which he assumed was cunning.

"Doubtless this is a trap set up by my enemies" was his eventual conclusion. Roy carefully edged towards the door. His motor skills were surprisingly good for someone with a 'low mental agility' carefully, without making a sound, he drew his sword. There was no way a trap like this was going to stop him. He slowly moved around to the front of his nemesis and, with a mighty roar, which caused many of the shoppers inside to drop what they were holding, he leapt, sword falling in a downwards slash in front of him. The majesty of Roy's attack was somewhat spoiled by the fact that the doors were automatic, and, sensing a potential customer's presence, swung open. Roy crumpled to the floor. He twitched slightly.

"A-amazing…" he said staring upwards at the door through his only open eye.

Marth skulked around the back alleys of the city in order to avoid the general populace. As a rule he did not like people of other generations or races, The fact that he had met Roy was proof enough that people were idiots for him. There were also the fan girls, Ugh, the fan girls, bane of his existence. He had never been entirely sure where they had come from or why they admired him in any way. He was a handsome devil of course…heh….Marth grinned to himself, then shook his head in disgust. He fell down on his knees.

"WHY!" he shouted at the sky.

The sky, for reasons best known to itself, did not respond.

"WHY AM I SO BEAUTIFUL!" he wailed in a mixture of self absorption and dramatic emphasis.

The sky again made no reply except for a yowling sound from above.

"WHY AM I CURSED WITH THIS FACE! WHY MU-"

However this time the sky did respond, it responded in the form of a small cat, which, terrified by the noise he had been making, fell from its perch and landed conveniently (and for the purposes of humour) directly on Marth's upturned face.

"Gnyunk?" said Marth trying desperately not to inhale the small fur ball.

The cat yawned and rolled off his nose and into his outstretched arms.

"N-neko?" said Marth to the glee of fan girls everywhere.

The cat yawned and looked up into Marth's eyes.

"Where did you come from?" he asked inquisitively,

The cat bit him on the nose.

Meanwhile, elsewhere, Roy was having his own problems, although they were of course not cat related. Roy had now succeeded in getting past the suspicious door and had managed to get panting and bruised from repeated failures. The door had sustained merely a few scratches. Roy's condition was considerably worse. A surprisingly small number of people had noticed him because of the 'shop matrix.'

The shop matrix is a condition which few people know about. When people are in shops the brain pattern alters subtly however in an extremely complex manner. When inside a store, customers forget that there is any outside from the moment the first item is placed in the cart. This is because neurological signals from the receptors to the brain are cut of from the cranium by the small plastic stickers on the fruit produce. It is a well known fact that in a supermarket you should always start with the fruit. The labels always feel slightly wet because they are covered with micro gelatinous molecules which absorb into the hands (or feet if you shop in unusual ways) which proceed in cutting off all remembrance of the outside environment. Supermarket's started doing this as they thought it may increase the amount of time people spend shopping, it was however found ineffective as there is a limited amount of things one needs to buy ever, also, money is limited which can be a problem. A curious question is of course, why did the supermarkets continue to do it. When questioned, the general response was 'force of habit'. Another, and much simpler reason people forget about the outside world is that there are few and generally fogged up windows.

As a result of this highly doubtful and pathetic explanation, almost no one noticed Roy. Except one of the employees, who, not generally having to handle the fruit, was partially immune to the effect of the matrix. He was, however, still under the influence of window lack so only noticed Roy, the final time he opened the door.

Roy noticed him and stood up attempting to look more dignified, After straightening his hair, a feat which took several minutes in itself, he was ready to greet his new acquaintance. He thrust out one arm in a somewhat violent fashion.

'HELLO' he said in his attempt at a friendly voice which was actually exceedingly menacing, he gave a little smile, 'I AM ROY'

The cat sat comfortably inside Marth's tunic, a position which many fan girls aspire to. He considered that in this world, he looked unusual enough, without madly clutching a squirming cat so he had put it somewhere safe. Marth rather liked the cat. After it had landed on his face, he had removed it with some difficulty. His nose was a bit sore but then, some sacrifices are necessary. Marth had always liked cats, he loathed dogs but cat's were different. They took the same, independent, slightly bored and sarcastic view of life as he did.

'Myaow Myaow?' Marth had said to the cat, and felt rather stupid afterwards.

The cat yawned and and settled in his arms.

'A cat eh?' pondered Marth to himself. 'Wonder if I should keep it…' he thought for a while then looked sadly down. 'No…' he had said 'It probably belongs to someone. He prepared to put it on the ground but had then realised it was asleep. Purring gently, 'and wait…wait…'said Marth, It had no collar. Marth thought for a while again. 'Bah…fine, you can stay with me for a while.' he said a length. 'You might make more sensible conversation than Roy…'

Roy considered that maybe the man did not understand.

"I AM ROY" he exclaimed to the world in general. "WHO ARE YOU"

The man stood aghast. Who was this man?

Roy tried again.

"MY NAME IS ROY" he said, spitting a little "WHO MIGHT YOU BE SIR"

"I-I'm Joe" Said the terrified man, wondering if he should call security. "M-may I enquire w-wha-" he managed before being cut off by Roy, who was eerily grinning in what he considered a social manner.

"GREETINGS JOSEPH" he interrupted "HOW MIGHT YOU BE TODAY?"

'Joseph' was somewhat taken aback. "I-I'm o.k.…I guess" he managed.

"DIRECT ME JOSEPH' came the reply.

"?" Said 'Joseph'.

"DIRECT ME TO YOUR SUPPLIES OF-" here Roy paused to consult a small piece of paper "-DELECTABLE FRESH FRUIT AND VEGETABLES."

"…." said Joe

Roy waited patiently. Joe was suffering a mixture of fear and amazement. His mind was working overtime. Many of the questions began with a 'W' in fact there were so many questions circulating his brain that the author couldn't be bothered to write them all out. Instead he turned it into some sort of incredibly irritating game where the readers got to guess all the questions with the one hint that only 5 of them had anything to do with lobsters.

Unaware of any game playing Roy was still waiting patiently. Then, a terrible thought occurred to him.

"My Gods…" he said staring suspiciously at Joe "…Some kind of demon has bound him senseless"

"No…No, I'm only slightly surprised" Joe definitely did not say. He merely made a faint gurgling noise.

Roy stared, his eyebrows slanted downwards. "It's worse than I thought" I growled "It's trying to possess this poor fellow."

Joe's eyes bulged, but against all sensible reasoning he could not say anything.

"Fear not good sir" said Roy "I will free you from this vile beast."

Joe succeeded in getting his wits together enough to do the simplest reflex task, he ran.

Marth had, by means of sneakery and deviosity, should such words exist, arrived at the employment office without being seen. It seemed to him that there had been something overall too easy about his journey and so far nothing had hindered him at all, save the arrival of a small cat.

He made for the door however happened to glance in one of the shop windows before reaching it. He stopped, made a faint noise normally associated with being run over by a tractor and blanched.

There were women in the shop, about 80 were young and the rest looked (if it is possible to look so) unmarried.

Surely, Marth's mind raced, this was some cunning trap laid by fan girls, he was to walk into the shop and be instantaneously pounced upon by hordes of ravaging women. The very idea made him feel faint. He slowly, dejectedly began to walk away from the shop towards the alley from which he had emerged when he stopped, he had seen an old fashioned corner shop…

'Maybe…' he thought smiling slightly 'Maybe…'

He walked into the shop and made for the till.

"AVAST" shouted Roy for no reason other than he had read a comic book about pirates the day before.

His progress after the still fleeing Joe could only be described as 'slow' in the sense that, by the time Roy had managed to navigate the whole store, Joe would have probably reached Africa had he desired to go in that direction. As a matter of fact he was hiding in the 'Staff only' section, waiting for someone else to arrive and save him. Preferably someone rather large and strong.

The reason for Roy's slow progress was that he was attempting, unsuccessfully, to perform two separate tasks, firstly, he was attempting to carry out Marth's instructions and collect all the items on the list. Unfortunately, this was not going well as: his progress was completely random and also he had walked down the same rows of shelves on numerous occasions and, instead of checking to see if he had already collected the item he had seen again, he considered it faster just to grab another. As a result he was carrying about 9 packets of bacon as well as several other of Marth's requests. Also, he had not discovered baskets and therefore was carrying everything by hand. This was problematic due to the second reason his progress was slow.

The second reason was that Roy was convinced he had been transported into the realm of some demonic lord. He did not question why demon lords would be attempting to sell cylinders of Pringles or cucumbers yet concluded that they were all there for some evil purpose. As a result every time he encountered something which was not on Marth's list, he slashed at it with his sword in the hope this would weaken the chaotic influence. Due to the fact there are several hundred items not on shopping lists in supermarkets this happened every few seconds. This of course caused problems to Roy as it meant that he found it hard to carry all the items while slashing. While many would have proceeded to leave the collected items somewhere before going on a rampage down several rows, Roy on the other hand preferred to carry everything and throw it in the air whenever he encountered something 'evil' to free his hands for slashing. He then of course had to pick everything up before progressing half a step and catching sight of another 'evil' to be vanquished.

The trouble was…there was just so much of it…

It had to be said that the sight of a man with a paper bag on his head was unusual in any circumstances, however it is even rarer when the aforementioned individual enters an employment office. The individual was Marth. Having procured a paper bag from the nearby greengrocers, Marth had worn it to hide his self (and many fan girl) proclaimed 'stunning visage' from onlookers. This would have been a reasonably good plan save that Marth had neglected to put eyeholes in. He was immediately aware of this when he put it on, but by then it was too late as he was already inside the office.

'Mmph' cursed Marth, revealing another of the bag's defects.

The women stared at the obvious lunatic in the doorway, Marth was now struggling desperately with the bag and attempting to make eye holes by poking the general area where they should be. He succeeded eventually, however in a typical manner he succeeded in pushing his finger through to his eye.

"MMAHMMMMMMMMAHH!" screamed the bag headed maniac.

Fortunately for Marth no real damage was done and he could now at least see however was not planning on making another eye hole any time soon, he hazarded a mouth hole and managed to create one without injury.

"Ahem…" he said, testing his new speaking hole.

The staff stared at the lunatic.

"Any chance of a job?" Marth said nervously

Roy had now moved past fruit and was heading towards spices via vegetables hacking and slashing packets of asparagus (pausing only to pick up another tin of tomatoes) whilst screaming something about 'Vengeance' though what the asparagus had ever done to him was unclear.

Another thing which was unclear, at least to Roy, was why a) he was even in the store, and b) why he was attacking innocent produce. He came to the conclusion that once a job had been started, it should be finished and continued to the lettuce.

An old woman's trolley bumped into him

"Attack me from behind eh!" shouted Roy, whirling round in a flurry of cloak

"TAKE THAT VILE FEIND" he screamed out of force of habit, cleaving the trolley in two.

The old lady, who's eyesight was awful, as is sadly the case in many elderly folk, though generally better than they make out surveyed Roy with interest, he was obviously one of the shop assistants come to assist her with her trolley (which she failed to notice was now in half) .

"Oh hello" she said, peering at Roy

"I'LL RIP OUT YOUR IN-" screamed Roy before noticing the old woman, he paused in mid swing, time stood still for several seconds, Roy lowered his sword and bowed.

"Good morrow to you venerable one" he said, politeness to the elderly having been one of the only things he had taken up at school…except space.

"Oh" said the old lady smiling slightly "What a polite young man you are"

"What may I do to assist milady" said Roy bowing even lower, knowing that it was one of the laws of nature stated that old women indubitably had quests and tasks for knights such as himself to perform.

"Oh well, you could help me with my shopping you know, isn't that what you fellows normally do?"

Roy, who had been under the impression that a general task for knights such as himself was to slay dragons, rescue princesses and kill tyrants, missing the old woman's confusion as to his profession, was somewhat confused by this but made up for it by bowing even lower, this would have been impressive, had not he succeeded in hitting his head on the floor on the way down.

"Are you alr-" began the old woman in concern, but Roy sprang up

"A QUEST! A QUEST!" he shouted and grabbed a nearby trolley, lifting it into the air with a strength which he seemed to have received from passion for quests and airlifting it in the direction of the meat counter before replacing it back on the ground with a mighty crash.

"Fear not venerable one" he said to the old woman before smiling at the camera (had there been one) causing a cliché sparkle on his teeth "Roy is here!"

"And who might he WHOOH!" said the old woman as Roy picked her up as if she were a rag doll and placed her carefully in the trolley before seizing the handles.

"Is this some sort of new store policy?" said the old woman, utterly confused.

"No" came the reply "It's my policy" said Roy. His eyebrows came down into a frown, veins stood out on his neck and muscles, he began to scrape a foot along the ground and snorted slightly, to sum up he looked very angry.

He was not however, merely preparing himself, for the push.

The push happened.

The world turned into a blur.

Marth was now, quite comfortably seated on a chair in a little cubicle, the bag still on his head. Some kind of argument seemed to be going on in the main office of the employment centre, the argument seemed to involve a lot of raised voices and pointing at him.

Growing bored he began to poke things on the desk in front of him. A while went by and then there was a loud commotion in the office and a figure was almost certainly pushed out. It tottered nervously into the cubicle before closing the door.

A, Marth had to admit, attractive young woman, who looked younger than him sat down opposite Marth with extreme caution.

'Don't panic, don't panic' thought Marth to himself 'She's more afraid of you than you are of her…' then he realised that this only applied to bears and resumed panicking.

He then realised the young woman was also trembling, though not nearly as much as him.

"H-hello…" she said, extending an unsteady arm towards him "I'm Suzie, how c-can I help"

"Err….hello" said Marth in what he had attempted as a low baritone voice, however due to his nervousness it came out as a gruff squeak "I-I-I am…err…" he hesitated "…Barry" he concluded shaking the proffered hand as if it was a lion's paw.

Roy's passage with the trolley through the store made 'Ben Hurr' look like a kindergarten egg and spoon race. Little bits of the linoleum floor were actually beginning to melt under the wheels.

The old lady, having got over the original shock of the speed was now quite beginning to enjoy the ride, oblivious of the swathe of destruction her vehicle was causing.

"Now this reminds me of my first trip to the fair ground" She said to no one in particular "There was this big roller coaster…"

Roy, ignoring her monologue was somehow succeeded in picking up the items the old lady had asked for as they blazed past the shelves. Exerting himself to such an extent that veins began to stick out in places where they were not in fact believed to exist.

Smashing through a pile of carefully piled tinned peaches for comic effect Roy screeched to a halt. There was something about the air which reminded him of something…it was…very cold.

"ICE CREAM!" he screamed and headed for it

"Oh no dear, don't care for ice cream" said the old woman "it makes me teeth ache"

Roy ignored this and with lightning speed hurled several tubs into the cart.

"Err…you can let go now" said Suzie to 'Barry' who was still gripping her hand as if his life depended upon it

'Barry' quickly withdrew his hand as if bitten.

"And…err…" continued Suzie, attempting to be brave "How can I help you today?"

"Y-yes, well…" squeaked Marth, failing to be brave "I was looking for work…"

"I see…" said Suzie, wondering what kind of job a man with a bag on his head would be after

There was a silence, an awkward one, on a scale of one to ten of awkwardness this ranked about 7. Suzie attempted to bridge the gap.

"Do you have any specific skills?"

'Marth mumbled something, Suzie decided to disregard her question.

Another pause. The awkwardness ranking went up to 9.

"I'm going to ask you a few questions Mr…Err..Mr?…."

Another pause

"…Barry" said the now self proclaimed 'Barry Barry'

The ranking somehow exceeded the scale and rose to 11

"I see" she said "Well Mr. Barry…can you drive?"

"A chariot" Marth heard himself say and inwardly smacked his forehead

"Sorry?

"Err…I mean no I cannot….I cannot drive a kar" said Marth, unused to the word

"No experience with vehicles then?"

"No" said Marth cautiously "I have never been in a kar.

She gaped at him.

She wrote something on the piece of paper with reference to Barry Barry and looked up at Marth.

"Any musical ability whatsoever?" she queried hopefully, he looked odd enough to be some kind of musician.

"Well, I have been told I play a passable lute" said Marth equally hopefully.

More gaping and scribbling from Suzie.

Marth realised that this was going somewhat wrong, and there was no way to prevent the downwards spiral.

Roy had succeeded in almost finishing shopping, he had procured everything on the old lady's (who was still perched in the trolley) list as well as several tubs of ice-cream and, having remembered his original task, had returned to where he had met the old lady to dump the pile of Marth's requested items in the trolley before remembering there was one thing he had not got. A new DVD for Marth.

He headed rapidly for the section and screeched to a halt…it seemed there were many DVDs on sale. Now…Roy racked his brains…there had been a genre, it was, what was it? He couldn't remember. Ah wait! He had got it…Romance….Preferably romantic comedy. He then realised that both words were too long for him to recognise. He had to try and pick up on clues.

"R….R….R" muttered Roy where was an 'R' he found one…Two words….One beginning with R…this must be the comedy romance section. He plucked a DVD from the as it had a fellow wearing a cape on it and Roy was rather a fan of capes. He pocketed it, having no room in the trolley and prepared to march towards the exit, not understanding the concept of paying, he had after all been brought up in a society where money didn't really matter. However, even if he had wished to pay his way was blocked by security guards at the end of the aisle.

The guards had finally come, having been called by Joe with the information there was a 'Lunatic, possibly escaped' on the loose in the store, however once called it had taken them little time to find Roy, they simply had to follow the trail of destruction.

"Curses…creatures of darkness have intercepted us just as we reach our goal" said Marth to the old woman realising he could not fight as both hands were occupied with the trolley.

"Deary me" said the old lady, clutching her handbag tightly "I blame modern music"

Roy, for whom the harp was practically the latest in musical development, did not really understand but spun round to try and escape out of the other end of the aisle. This end was also blocked by guards.

He craned his neck…where was the nearest exit? He spotted one almost opposite him about two aisles away. There was only one way to reach it.

The guards advanced slowly

Roy spun the trolley round to face the shelves of DVDs. He summoned his reserve energy, someone was shouting something and the guards were running towards him, the old woman waved her handbag like a race starting flag. Veins stood out on Roy's neck. He pushed.

The trolley smashed through the aisles.

DVDs flew everywhere, but Roy was unaware. The trolley hurtled like a juggernaut through the shelves until the exit flew into sight. The doors were automatic and began to open. They were too slow.

The trolley smashed through the doors and into sunlight, and freedom!

Meanwhile, unaware of the drama and blatant low budget special effects going on in the supermarket. Marth had almost concluded the interview.

"W-Well Mr. Barry…" said Suzie "I'm afraid it's going to be very hard to find a job for you, you seem to have no real applicable skills and I'm afraid I can't find the school you say you attended on the records."

"Mmm…" said Marth staring at his boots.

"All that's left is garbage pickup or some other kind of community service…" Said Suzie

"I guess that beggars can't be choo-" he began. The cat chose this moment to dig it's claws into Marth's chest.

Marth screamed

Suzie screamed

'Mr. Barry' had, from Suzie's point of view, leapt up from his chair with a scream and was now proceeding to do some kind of elaborate war dance whilst keeping up perpetual cries indistinguishable between rage and agony. He was also blocking the door and this was a soundproof room, it was just him and her. Then she noticed his stomach.

Marth's shirt bulge, due to the cat was quivering, the animal having been awakened by Marth's cries, and now, finding itself in an enclosed area was absolutely terrified and was doing a mix between desperately attempting to escape and tearing at anything available with it's claws. Marth was screaming like a xenophobic in a united nations conference. His stomach viewed from the outside looked like something from 'Alien' and there he seemed to be making preparations for destroying everything in the room, thus Suzie's terror could hardly be seen as unusual.

She fumbled around for the alarm button un the drawer and pulled it out.

"STOP!" she shouted desperately "STOP OR I SUMMON THE POLICE!"

Marth stopped instantly, standing on one leg he looked like some sort of exceedingly pathetic bird. His stomach however did not as the cat tore at him, Marth winced, Suzie noticed.

"THAT'S IT" she cried "I'm calling the police, there's nothing you can do, you're obviously an escaped lunatic.

Marth clasped the cat at his stomach. It stopped. He saw the world suddenly in slow motion, there was the cat, wriggling out of his tunic and dropping onto the floor, there was the button, there was Suzie's finger coming down, down towards it. Nothing could stop it. Marth would soon be in jail. Nothing could stop-

Wait…

Marth's mind raced, there was one chance, it would be a big chance and it would mean risking something much worse than jail…it would be risking endless torment. But she was quite a nice woman, and she seemed trustworthy. It was the only chance he had, and if he was going to do it, he would have to do it now.

Marth's internal struggle resolved itself…

He flung his hand up to his head and tore off the bag.

Suzie's finger was still coming down on the button, she looked up triumphantly at the lunatic.

She gasped, the finger stopped.

She was lost in his eyes.

Unaware of my failed attempts at writing a vaguely romantic (if clichéd) scene (romantic COMEDY of course (not 'new release' as Roy might think it)) Roy was standing outside the old lady's house and assisting her in bringing shopping to the door. Fortunately for Roy the lady had had no idea of what had happened over the past several minutes having been crouched in the trolley. The last of the groceries were placed on the doorstep by Roy.

"Oh you're such a good boy" said the Lady smiling at Roy.

"My pleasure" said Roy, wondering how much experience he had got for doing the quest, and why he had discovered no magical items along the way.

"I'm sorry, I don't really have anything to give you" said the Lady sadly

"Your happiness is thanks enough" said Roy chivalrously.

"You could come over and have dinner one night, now does that sound as a reward?" said the old lady.

"It would be an honour" said Roy, wondering how a magical item could be hidden in a meal

"Have you got a… young lady friend to bring along?" said the old lady, "I always make too much as it is"

Roy knew no women in this universe, he wondered it the lady might be referring to one of the fan girls but dismissed the idea, Marth? He was not, to Roy's knowledge, a lady.

"I don't think so…" said Roy awkwardly "I do have a good friend though, would it be alright if he came along?"

"Oh certainly, certainly." said the old lady happily "now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go and have a little lie down. Is Tuesday evening a good evening for you and your friend?"

"I expect so." said Roy

"I'll see you and your friend on Tuesday then alright?"

"I shall wait for it with interest" said Roy setting off down the road.

"One more thing!" shouted the Lady from her doorway "I never did ask your name"

"Roy!" shouted Roy back.

"Well then Roy" said the Lady, putting her glasses on "Thank you"

"Most welcome" bowed Roy, his head striking the pavement.

"I'm sure you'll find a young lady soon" shouted the old woman laughing "Mark my words"

Roy, unsure how to mark words headed off towards home, clasping Marth's shopping in his arms.

Marth strolled out of the employment centre, bag once more on his head, grinning underneath it, the kitten safely stowed under his tunic, again asleep. Suzie had been most reasonable, after gawping at him for several minutes she had made a kind of gurgling noise and sat down in the chair dropping the alarm on the floor.

Marth had waited for her to calm down and then explained. He didn't explain everything, just the bits about why: a) he had been wearing a bag and b) he had a cat in his shirt.

Marth had been quite impressed, she had understood. She had also acted surprisingly calmly except staring at him in a slightly unnerving manner.

The rest of the session had been something of a blur and had involved lots of crossing out and re-scribbling on his application form before she handed him a piece of paper with instructions to a job interview.

Marth had a job.

He had bid farewell to Suzie to which she mumbled embarrassedly about hoping to see him again and twisting the end of her skirt. Marth didn't quite get the hint and had replaced cat, bag and strolled out happily.

Inside, Suzie tottered back into the main office, as unsteadily as she had come out.

"Well?" asked one of the accountants "How did your session with the escaped loony go then?"

"Mmmh…" said Suzie vacantly and fainted smiling

"That bad eh?" said the Secretary who was standing by the water dispenser.

Marth reached home slightly after Roy. Roy heard him coming in and bounced up to him grinning happily.

"Marth! Marth! Marth!" he said merrily

"Mmm?" said Marth, for once happy enough to listen

"I got your stuff" said Roy

Marth looked over at the table, expecting to see several hundred milk bottles. He was pleasantly surprised, most of the things he had requested seemed to be there. He would have preferred it to be in bags and slightly less squashed, but from Roy, it was certainly a good effort.

"Well done" he said

"Oh and your DVD!" said Roy, pulling it out of his pocket.

Marth looked. He looked again to be sure.

"Roy…" he said slowly

"Yes?" said Roy

"I may be mistaken" said Marth carefully, so as not to spoil the mood. "But I was not under the impression that…'Batman' was a romance story, let alone a comic one.

"It was from the Romantic Comedy section" said Roy surprised "I think you'll find it is"

Marth let it pass the day had been too good to dwell on such matters.

On the television there seemed to be some sort of newsflash about a small and centralised tornado having hit a shopping store in town, Roy hurriedly switched the television off.

"So…" he said, attempting to change the subject "How was your day?"

"I got a job" replied Marth

"Congratulations!" said Roy happily "As what? Dragon slayer? Paladin?"

"I'm not entirely sure myself" said Marth "A 'model'"

"What's one of them?" asked Roy

"No idea" said Marth, equally confused, "I'll look it up in the dictionary I got when we arrived"

"Good idea" said Roy looking hungrily at one of the tubs of ice cream.

Marth flicked through the pages of the dictionary, K, L, M - M, Me, Mi, Mo - Mo. Marth scanned down the lines of words until….ah there it was, 'Model' _-object _"No" he mused

Ah, there it was "Model" _-profession. _He read the description. He read it again. And again. He began to tremble

"So? Know what a model does yet?" asked Roy, ice cream spoon half way to his mouth.

Marth's scream caused an avalanche a very long way away.

-End of part three-

So there we go, another chapter, another plot development and romance worthy of that in Harry Potter and the order of the phoenix (ahem). I hope that reading this story has not been a waste of your valuable time and would greatly appreciate feedback. If you laughed your head off, tell me why with a review, after spending several weeks in the serious injury ward of your local hospital for head reattachment of course. If you hated it and heartlessly kicked your computer screen in (possibly because you are a Marth and/or Roy fan girl/boy) then tell me why (how I do not know, it's hard to operate a computer with a screen which has been smashed). HOW? You ask…well, you press the little purpley button on the bottom left of your screen and give me a review. Surely it can't be THAT hard. I appreciate ideas, criticisms and of course praise . Flames will be used to used to light money for using to light cigars when the DVD of this comes out and I'm rich and famous. Not that it will…another dream shattered. Anyhow thanks for reading, unless you're someone who reads just the author's ending chapter drivel and I'll try to update sooner next time (this will not happen.)

So, in the words of Minsc in Baldur's Gate II:

You will not speak of sweet Dynaheir in this fashion! Terrible hamster justice will be wreaked upon you! GO FOR THE EYES, BOO, GO-

author is hauled away by paramedics to the psychiatric hospital

Farewell.

Ps. I would like to point out that this chapter was completed on new years eve. It is almost 12pm here in England and on the stroke of 12 I shall save this and not edit it until posting on fanfiction. So, I, Sezan would like to wish a happy new year to you all.


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